5/15/2014 0 Comments Not All AcornsHumorJEB FOUND HIS YOUNGEST SON sitting under the old oak tree in their garden. The lad was weeping. He sat beside the boy, placed an arm around his shoulders, and asked, “What's wrong, son?” The boy sniffled and kicked the dirt at his feet. “Nothing,” he murmured. Jeb squeezed his son and coaxed him, “Come on, son. Something's bothering you.” Several moments passed and Jeb's mind wandered. He soaked up the sun filtering through the leaves and enjoyed a birdsong wafting on the breeze.
The boy wiped his nose on his sleeve and tried to pull away, but Jeb held him close. He was about to try again to get his son to open up when an acorn bounced off his shoulder. Looking up, Jeb saw his two older sons scampering across the branches above. “Sorry, dad,” Lyle, the oldest, shouted. Jeb smiled up at the boy. “Careful up there,” he called out. “We're careful, dad,” the two boys aloft chorused. Turning his attention back to his youngest son beside him, Jeb saw that the weeping had resumed. A glimmer of understanding came to him. “You want to be up there, too?” he asked. The boy nodded and snuffled loudly, then inhaled deeply and sighed. Jeb smiled. “You will,” he assured the boy, “someday.” The boy looked up at his father. His eyes said it all: Could it be true? Then, doubt. “When?” he asked.
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5/15/2014 0 Comments WomenHumorBARRY WALKED PAST the ladies in the lounge without seeing them. He pushed open the door and stepped inside, oblivious to a warning shout that followed him. He was in a hurry and already opening the zipper fly of his pants as he glanced around. Confusion ruled his face. Where were the urinals? No time to look for them. He slammed open a stall and stepped up to the toilet. He was in mid-stream when a giggle brought him back to his senses. He tried to stem the flow and failed. Then he heard a voice, a female voice. Another answered. Panic took over.
Barry jammed his thumb over the end of his penis as he turned around and sat. He was surprised to find urine squirting in all directions. He tried to aim into the toilet before letting go but his pants were still around his waist and the zipper was pulled up preventing him from achieving the proper angle. 5/11/2014 0 Comments VarmintsHumorSouthern California has two seasons: Wet and drought. I've lived here almost forty years and only seen one wet season. My wife, a native, assures me that she lived through a lifetime's worth of wet seasons during the 1950s. We'll just have to take her word for that. Surprisingly, there are a lot of varmints that seem quite content with the drought. I had an occasion to meet a colony of them one evening in Laguna Niguel as we prepared to watch the Fourth of July fireworks.
My wife and I and our young daughter, Kaili, together with my children from a previous marriage, John and Judy, had met my business partner and his family at a small regional park. We arrived around lunch time to set up shop for a day of picnic and games. The grounds were riddled with deep burrows that seemed vacant. So, we simply spread our blanket over one and scattered chairs and umbrellas about it. 5/2/2014 0 Comments Quiet CoveHumorMOONLIGHT ILLUMINATED THE COVE dimly and the anchor lights of the yacht club fleet shone like low hanging stars crowning each vessel. A fish rose to the surface. Its lips stirred a series of ripples that spread in widening concentric rings after it harvested an insect that had foolishly touched the glass-like surface of the water. A thin haze hovered over all, held in place by the weight of silence that ruled the anchorage. The cocktail party and dinner dance ashore had ended two hours earlier, and the revelers were tucked in their berths, softly slumbering their way back to sobriety.
Softly, as if at a great distance, the honk of a lone goose on the wing could be heard had anyone been awake and alert. Slowly, it drew louder as though approaching the sheltered harbor out of season. Sober heads began to stir as the goose's call was answered by its flock drawing nearer. Soon, the gossiping gaggle began to disturb the repose of the most recumbent and a cabin light came to life here and there among the fleet. In a moment, all crews were awake as the blast of a shotgun tore its way across the anchorage. 5/2/2014 0 Comments Penalty of LawHumorMother was a gentle woman, a genteel woman, whom my brother and I tormented as only loving sons might. We arrived home at odd hours with bumps and scrapes and strange sounding lies of how we had acquired them. Of course, mom was convinced that our friends had jumped from a cliff and we had followed after them. Isn't that what all mothers believe? Then there was the time I shot myself in the head with a pellet rifle. Poor mom almost swooned as my brother applied cold, wet compresses and drove us to the hospital, but that's another story... Then there were the practical jokes that were neither practical nor funny. However, they were inspired by our mother's strange beliefs. For example, she never removed the product label from a piece of bedding or furniture for fear of breaking the law. The labels in those days didn't contain the key phrase “EXCEPT BY THE CONSUMER”. Oh, and we didn't have “POLYSTYRENE FOAM BEADS” either nor cell phones, nor a lot of other things.
5/2/2014 0 Comments Oh Christmas TreeHumorIs there any more nostalgic memory than cutting down your own Christmas tree? Have you been tempted to start your own tradition? Don't! I was living in Colorado, in Fort Collins, north of Denver, when the spirit moved me to cut down my own Christmas tree. As it turned out, it was a malevolent spirit.
Fort Collins is nestled up against the foothills on the eastern slope of the Rocky Mountains. The tree farm, I was informed, was an hour's drive along the Cache La Poudre River which drains a portion of the Roosevelt National Forest and emerges onto the high plains in Larimer County. I prepared myself and my young family for the excursion with a trip to the hardware store where I purchased a new axe. Although it was the first I ever owned, I was no stranger to this tool. I had used many, my father's for one and a couple that I swung in the Army before I became an officer. Unfortunately, my experience didn't include the proper preparation of an axe for its first use. I simply checked the edge which seemed keen as it was factory-sharpened and decided that I couldn't improve upon it. Little did I realize there was another, more important factor. 5/2/2014 0 Comments Cop EyesHumorI was waiting for my wife at the mall when... “Excuse me, officer,” the elderly woman at my elbow interrupted. “That man threatened me.” I couldn't help glancing in the direction of the perp who scowled at me when our eyes met. That's how it always starts. Looking now at the victim, I smiled and repeated the familiar refrain, “I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't help you. I'm not a policeman.”
Why do I even try? They never believe me. |
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